[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
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Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.