@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

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@Sarcasticsapien

This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

@audipenny

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

@stayfrea_

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief

@JordyHamrick

So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.

@FeelingEuphoric

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

@ItsAllBollocks

I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater