Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
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I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.