DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

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your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia


I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.


As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’


Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*


DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.


VADER: Star bucks.


*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!


[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee


[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times


lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now


When I go to Victoria’s Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they’ll really look.