@roxiqt

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

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@TheReal_AndyMac

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

@MooseAllain

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

@Ideal_Victoria

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

@Sarcasticsapien

If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.

@KateWhineHall

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

@CarbonatedCB

The problem with Care Bears v Zombies is that it’s an obviously unfair fight.

Care Bears have magical powers that come from their pretty tummies, they’d destroy Zombies.

@TheBigBatman

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

@Reverend_Scott

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.