@roxiqt

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

You Might Also Like

@emmeline77

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

@LuvPug

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

@ParasiteHilton

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

@pdxjohnny99

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

@ComedicBust

*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!

@rowdyforsheriff

[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee

@fro_vo

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

@DanMentos

lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now

@NiceLittleWife

When I go to Victoria’s Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they’ll really look.