Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The problem with Care Bears v Zombies is that it’s an obviously unfair fight.
Care Bears have magical powers that come from their pretty tummies, they’d destroy Zombies.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.