@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

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@elynnbarlow

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

@cuntyfruitbats

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

@Mr_Kapowski

She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge

She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink

Women are so confusing

@Bob_Janke

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

@RealBobMortimer

FOR SALE: Circular metal shield with metal handle… possibly Roman??..(chanced across it on top of my dustbin) £8.00

@TheAlexNevil

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@Dutch_50

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.