Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year