Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks