Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.


Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”


“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night


Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.


“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”

yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting


Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?


“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”


Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.


DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS