@ddsmidt

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

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@albz

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

@slaughthie

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

@Travon

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

@matttuff

Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

@aholealex

“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”

yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting

@LoveNLunchmeat

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

@kumailn

“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
#corporateshows

@trevso_electric

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

@flashember

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS