Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
When they try to steal your moment.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”