Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”

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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother


WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down


Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I’m reading?


Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.


If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.


i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck


“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.


I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous


Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.