@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”

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@abbymedlock

I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.

@AmishPornStar1

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

@TylerLinkin

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.

@bigmacher

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

@VestaTot

Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!

@sucittaM

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

@djdarrellripley

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..