@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”

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@man_spach

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

@johnbiehl

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

@BuckyIsotope

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

@Eden_Eats

Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I’m reading?

@TheHeartlessBoy

Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@SortaBad

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

@_xLNc

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@hurlarious

I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous

@VibesBummer

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.