@abbymedlock
I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.
@stephenjmolloy
Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”
Ian: “err… 13…”
Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”
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@abbymedlock
@AmishPornStar1
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
@MichaelTrying
I’m in AAAAA, so I get my tires changed by recovering alcoholics.
@WriterLifeCo
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
@TylerLinkin
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
@bigmacher
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
@VestaTot
Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!
@sucittaM
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
@vinnycrack
bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
@djdarrellripley
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..