Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.