@Mom_Overboard

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

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@SteveKoehler22

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

@RamblingMachine

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

@upsidedowntrash

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

@CulturedRuffian

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

@Reverend_Scott

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

@iwearaonesie

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

@SteveSuckington

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

@Ivsy01

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.