@SteveKoehler22
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
@Mom_Overboard
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
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@SteveKoehler22
@RamblingMachine
If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.
@BrandonVine
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
@upsidedowntrash
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
@CulturedRuffian
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
@JimGaffigan
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
@Reverend_Scott
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
@iwearaonesie
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
@SteveSuckington
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
@Ivsy01
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.