Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
You Might Also Like
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
*aggressively waits in line*
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”