I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Canada has crack?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating