doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
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[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
All excellent questions
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze