Doctor: How’s your headache?
Patient: She’s out of town.

Doctor: How’s your headache?
Patient: She’s out of town.

- @_GPL_

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Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard


*points w/ middle finger*

“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”

– Me giving directions.


Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.


word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom


[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.


I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…


Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.


If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office