Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
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[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…