Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I get distracted pretty eas
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
bro what is going on at twitter
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.