DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?