Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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Morningbreath
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i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.