Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”

Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”

Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”

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I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.


Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.


Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.


This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose


Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor


If I set a cheese trap, I’d probably fall for it before the mouse.


Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.


Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography


Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.