@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”

Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”

Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”

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@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@KimmyMonte

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

@Jenny4ashley

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

@limitlessjest

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

@RoosterMustache

Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

@Muath_tu

If I set a cheese trap, I’d probably fall for it before the mouse.

@Gorilla_Turd

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

@SardonicTart

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.