[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
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HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
wtf management?!
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.