Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
You Might Also Like
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
choose your gary
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??