doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.