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@FredTaming: doctor: i have your blood test here
doctor: you failed
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don't start with a flying tackle.
5: The good ones do.
@LuckoftheDraw86: Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT'S A BABY.
YB: And I'm a talking bear.
YB: So where are we on that baby?
@reczit: Smartphone owners are the bravest. They're not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
@wolfpupy: why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
@SteveSuckington: DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?