doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
For those that worship cheese..
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
rapatouille
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Yes my dude
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.