Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
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People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I thought this was funny lol
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’m Sold!
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.