Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

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Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.


There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.


Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.


ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?


You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.


Some fairy tales start with “once upon a time”. Others start with “If I won the elections”.


Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.


Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*