Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
a fate I wish upon no one
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator