@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

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@MarfSalvador

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@iscoff

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

@Jake_Vig

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

@ArfMeasures

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

@Your_Boy_Dylan

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

@pinupteacher

WAITER: Would you like any dessert?

DATE: No, just the ch-

ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.

@TheAlexP

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

@MissNaughty1801

I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all

@RocketRankoon

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema