Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Duck typos.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.