[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
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Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
WAITER: Would you like any dessert?
DATE: No, just the ch-
ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema