him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
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Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy’s fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney’s fault.
Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
mother: i hope i pass the bar exam
mother-in-law: i passed!