@kiel_phillips

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

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@TheOfficialTed

Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy’s fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney’s fault.

@Sassafrantz

Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.

@mikefossey

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

@Ristolable

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

@the_paramedicK

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

@lawyerthoughts

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!