I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: God give me inner peace.
Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.
God: What you do with it is upto you.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.
me: I love jalapeños
me: we’re palapeños 🙂
boss: you’re fired