@climaxximus

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

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@GetCougarized

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

@thepaulahunt

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

@sixfootcandy

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

@JasonLastname

Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel

@scarebro

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

@headway10

Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”

@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

@Scottzilla667

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

@thepaulasuzanne

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No