Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.