Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up