Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

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My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.


They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.


Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.


I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.


[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?


Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.


[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?



Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.


First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.


I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.