Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
waiting for halloween be like:
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.