doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
SPLOOT
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.