doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

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[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?


When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.


I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.



Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun


I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.


[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there


I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.


me: will i be arrested

psychic: no

me: empty the register


My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.