[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
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When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
me: will i be arrested
me: empty the register
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.