doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.


[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”


[on the phone]


Me: hi. yes. how do I get free HBO?

DIRECTV Rep: sorry Mr. Smith it’s for new customers only.

[2 minutes later]


Me: [wearing fake mustache] hi. yes-


Me: i should tell you i have a little nervous tick

Her: oh that’s okay

Me: Look- *pulling up sleeve* he’s so shy he’s hiding his face in my arm


The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.


WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”


customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket


There’s a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.


A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.