“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
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I will never leave twitter.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
me: hey what the f-
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
God: you’re nocturnal.
Cricket: what does that mean?
God: it means you can only be heard at night.
God: and after bad jokes lol.
Cricket: [cricket noises].
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I haven’t been the same since my mom gave birth to me.