@WhaJoTalkinBout

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

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@jonnysun

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

@PaperWash

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

@WilliamRodgers

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

@HatfieldAnne

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

@blade_funner

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re nocturnal.

Cricket: what does that mean?

God: it means you can only be heard at night.

Cricket: oh.

God: and after bad jokes lol.

Cricket:

God:

Cricket: [cricket noises].

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”