doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.


Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.


I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.


America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.


*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out


I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”


There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.


Gf: you’re speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what’s the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive


If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.