doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts