Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
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when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Come back with a warrant
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.