[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.
Idea for an app:
it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives