@duumb

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

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@3sunzzz

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

@SkippyMcGizzard

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@OohSnapItsChris

My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.

@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight

@rasm69

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

@Reverend_Scott

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

@POTerritory

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives