doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: