who called it hell and not heaven’t
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.