what if we pronounced “envelope” like “penelope”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.
it’s okay to ask for help.
art by @gemmacorrell
Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
brain: bounce leg
me: ok that’s fair
brain: now crack knockles
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories
(My 6yo told me to tweet this)
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.