I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.
I know that now.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.