Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Before crowbars crows drank alone
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot