@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

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@CauseWereGuys

I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

@fulciHugazombie

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@dorsalstream

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

@samfromks

Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.

I know that now.

@david8hughes

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

@Norsebysw

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

@SamuelHLowe

You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.