Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Life hack
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.