Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
You Might Also Like
i think we should see other cousins
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?