My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Don’t trust anybody who owns a working printer.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?