I’m a virgin but I have sex sometimes
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter
Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall
Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn’t home.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.