Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..