Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no