@seancehat

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

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@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@Gooooats

I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.

@Duke1173

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

@thepatrickwalsh

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

@3sunzzz

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

@murrman5

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@toastymoe

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

@Jenny4ashley

My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.