doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl


No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.


I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.


*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*


Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”


My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.


wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair


A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it


The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi


My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.