@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

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@chrisanna4real

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

@Scottzilla667

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

@PaperWash

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

@somewhatalady

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

@Turbo_Jimmy

*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE

@lloydrang

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@Home_Halfway

“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player