My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player