DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
From Facebook just now…
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing