@3sunzzz

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

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@KH0wes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

@DILLONFRANCIS

My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….

still

no

email

@AnOrangeSNES

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

@Frankly_Drebin

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

@DaddyJew

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

@mortimermaiden

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

@Shade510

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

@TedOfficialPage

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

@imadepoopstoday

Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.