[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*