You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
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*smoke detector goes off*
*toddler runs around screaming*
*smoke detector goes off again*
wife *walks into the kitchen*
me: How was your nap?
Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no.
If you’re reading this, I lied.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.
Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?
[from my stomach] I’m right here