“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*