doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
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What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February