11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
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A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
friend: just act mature
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network
This thread gets better every time I read it
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”