@lovemydogduck

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

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@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

@FeelingEuphoric

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

@SentenceReduced

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

@SteveSuckington

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

@JimmerThatisAll

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

@jus4golf

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

@Dutch_50

So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.

@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

@AvgSociaIMedia

Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”