Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

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11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.


A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.


friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes


Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.


I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park


Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.


My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.


There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”