doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.